Simply Me

I am fed up with being in Africa and now i want out. Anywhere will do, so long as it is out of africa. I am looking for every opportunity to leave these damn contient. I am looking for a place with no water rationing, with no traffic jams, with no potholed roads, where garbage is collected regularly, where i wont have to watch the horrors of beheaded people in every day news, where i dont have to go home early or else get mugged, where i can sue the police if they harass me, where there is human rights, am looking for anywhere else in the world but not africa.

In the last one month, i have been looking for the best possible ways to get trafficked into europe. The problem is that its damn expensive getting out of africa. These guys are charging upto $10,000 to land me in london, and since i cant afford it, and i cant get a genuine visa, am stuck.

A conspiracy by Osama, Bush and the Somalis in diaspora is keeping me from getting out and sampling all the pleasures and wealth that is missing from africa. Before Osama started his misadventures in the land of Bush, it was so easy to get out if you were somali. And you somalis who were lucky enough to get out before us aint helping our cause by behaving badly. Dont you know that by behaving badly and not contributing positively to your host country's development, you are denying us visas to our dreams and aspirations? Damn you people, you are so selfish!

Horrible stuff is happening in Nairobi these days. People are being beheaded, cut into pieces and thrown into the ever polluted Nairobi river...These is done by our own version of the Mafia. They do lack in the sophistication i see in Mafia movies, but the Mungiki reign supreme when it comes to brutality. We have been treated to a daily dose of beheadings for a month now. At there most generous, its upto 7 deaths a week. Our government claims to have monopoly of violence in the country, the Mungiki say its a duopoly and on the strenght of evidence presented, am inclined to belive the mungiki. The only good thing is that the Mungiki leave somalis alone, perharps realising that when it comes to violence, we are better off than them.

I feel these government is at least trying to tame Mungiki, maybe because the Mungiki come from Central Kenya, which is predominantly Gikuyu, the tribe that rules us here. But what if these Mungiki was in NFD, the somali dominated region of kenya...what would have been the reaction? To answer that, we have to look at NFD's troubled history. When in the 60's, 70's and 80's, the somali nationalists(shiftas) were still operating in NFD, trying to cave it out for greater somalia, the kenyan government committed a total of three massacres against our people, the worst being the wagalla massacre when all male were rounded up and killied. Upto 8 thousand people died. Another more recent case is in 2003, when the ethiopian army attacked a village, in the name of pursuing OLF and killied upto a 100 males and children...the government just kept quiet, officially blaming it on OLF but govt officials being quoted saying warya wanauna(somalis killing themselves) and therefore, no need to interfere! Now, if the Mungiki was NFD, what would have been the treatment, either, keeping quiet as was the case with turbi or killing every male as was the case with wagalla?

Sir Alex's reaction: Priceless!




Outfought, outwitted and finally outclassed, these are images i will treasure for a long time.

In this part of the world, we are celebrating labour day, we are celebrating the achievements of workers in this country. Today, I'm also joining the multitude of young graduates who are unemployed in Kenya. My two months internship came to an end yesterday, a two months that i was massively underused such that when i was offered an extension of my internship, i opted not to take it. Had it not being for the fact that the internship was in partial fulfillment of my undergraduate course, i would have left much earlier. I have suffered three good years of crunching maths and cramming economics and all they could entrust me to do was data entry tasks...at least they made my decision so easy.

I'll get down to looking for a job soon, maybe after my graduation in July, but now my priority is to do things i have missed in my two month foray into the corporate world, like oversleeping, going to easich on a daily basis, hunting down some somali queens e.t.c I might even go to Mombasa to see hoyo and also to stare at the blondes in our public beaches.

Paul Wolfowitz is a man who has no professional qualifications nor international development experience, therefore I assume that Mr Bush appointed him because of his hawkish qualities, that he was the right man to arm twist and whip corrupt and undemocratic states into line...now two years later, not only has he failed to do that, he is in deep trouble for helping his Arab girlfriend(a Muslim Arab dating a hawkish jew...) get a promotion and a pay rise. People are calling for his resignation and that is what surprises me a lot. The guy has refused to act honorably and resign, instead apologizing for what he terms as a mistake...Its simple, Fire him.

He has damaged the credibility of the world's biggest donor institution that is at the forefront of fighting corruption in the 3rd world countries and he doesn't even realize the level of damage he has done. I first heard about world bank in the 90's from the discussions of my dad and his friends (whenever they gathered at our house to chew khat) discussing the effects of the aid freeze the world bank had imposed on the Moi government because of corruption...and i have grown into adulthood knowing very well that these is one institution that can be relied upon to bring about change in governance and accountability problems in Africa. When the very guy entrusted to bring about that change starts engaging in very opaque actions, he shouldn't even be asked to resign, he should be fired. I hope the world bank board will move fast and reclaim the credibility of the institution and the trust of its members, otherwise, no despot in the third world will listen when the bank talks about corruption.

Everywhere you turn Somalis are dying...15 died these weekend, not from a war but in a tragic road accident after their Mandera bound bus hit a pothole and overturned. The accident happened in the remote Somali inhabited North Eastern Province 20Kms north of Modogashe. (There is no single tarmacked road in these province 40 years after independence) Ina lilahi wa ina ilahi rajicun.

Two percent of Americans are Jews yet half its billionaires are jews. The three most respected and influential newspapers, The NY times, the Washington Post, and the Wall Street journal are in jewish hands, the four largest film studios in Hollywood are jewish owned, its estimated half of President Clinton's campaign fund was contributed by the jewish community.... The result is that Israel can continuously defy UN resolutions, continue with gross human rights abuses and extra judicial killings without no one raising a finger, we have an uncountable number of movies distorting the facts about the holocaust but none about the Palestinian suffering in the occupied lands and oh, regime change to any state posing a security risk to Israel. Nobel Prize winner Bishop Desmond Tutu once said "People are scared in this country, to say wrong is wrong because the Jewish lobby is powerful — very powerful"...and even the Mighty google is afraid, google the word jews, and there is an explanation by Google of why there are some very "disturbing and offensive results" and an assurance that "the views expressed by the sites are in no way endorsed by Google". There is no such explanation for why Google throws up some offensive results when you search Muslims...

I admire that...that a community so little can be so powerful. I am full of envy...and since Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, i am calling for the Somali lobby. I know we don't have as many Somalis in States but we surely have a large community in there. We shouldn't even concentrate in America alone, the guys in UK can also form a lobby group and the same with the Scandinavian guys...I'll surely do my best from Kenya. Imagine if we can just tilt the opinion of the decision makers towards helping Somalia...or better still, if we have Somalis in positions of decision making, whether in government or corporate sector in these developed countries, if we can just channel a slice of the development fund these countries give out yearly to Somalia and Somalis everywhere, if the US can cover for us as we rain terror in Addis using their Jets and bombs ... There are endless possibilities... Just dare to dream.

Almost 2 weeks ago, the highly ineffective Kenyan police force was shouting at the top of their voices, telling the world and anybody who cared to listen that they had "a high value catch". This high value catch was Abdulmalik Mohamed, a man whose friends describe him as a "humble and kind madrassa teacher who was true to his religion". Mr Mohamed, 37,is claimed to have planned the November 2002 attack in Kikambala, Mombasa, that saw the hotel burnt resulting in about 11 deaths and a missile aimed at an aircraft leaving Mombasa for Tel Aviv miss its target.

The arrest came at a time when Nairobi was in an insecurity wave with multiple murders and robberies being reported each day, therefore, the massive PR campaign by the Police at the arrest of a 'terror mastermind' was understandable...what is not is why the police dont have him right now. He has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he will be detained without trial and if he gets a trial, it will be by a military tribunal.

What makes this case special is that Abdulmalik Mohamed is a Kenyan citizen by birth, is accused of crimes committed in Kenya and yet he is freely given out by the Kenyan authorities to a foreign nation where there are no assurances that he will be tried. All that and the fact that Kenya has no extradition treaty with the US and there is no prima facie case against Mr Mohamed to warrant extradition. Abdulmalik Mohamed wasn't even given the chance to challenge that decision in a court of law.

It is painfully enough that a person is taken from his home to be detained in a foreign land without trial but what is more shameful and embarrassing is that in a country with a democratically elected government and with a rule of law, we can just surrender our sovereignty to a foreign power for nothing.

In an audacious bid to make you smile on a monday and to make the ladies appreciate just how hard a work we do, i am sharing an email that i received sometime back and which i strongly relate to that explains why guys are quiet in bed...

Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally be the guy’s job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I’ve got to offer. Again, I can’t speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.

Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding vagina.

Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:

“Alright, time for some action”
“I hope I don’t f*ck up this time”
“Is that the right hole?”
“Oh wait, there it is”
“All right, lets start out slow”

It isn’t long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.

BRAIN: “Damn, she just moved.”
BRAIN: “Did I do something right, or did I hurt her”

BRAIN: “She’s making noises!”
BRAIN: “Pain noises or pleasure noises?”
BRAIN: “Let me try stepping up the pace a little”

BRAIN: "More noises, I'm pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"

BRAIN: “Damn, what was I doing before?”
BRAIN: “F*ck it, lets try a different position”
WOMAN: “OUCH!”
BRAIN: “Yeah….that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: “What are you doing?”
BRAIN: “Mayday! Mayday!”
BRAIN: “Decrease Velocity!”
BRAIN: “Open flaps”
BRAIN: “Landing gear engaged”
BRAIN: “Disengage primary thrusters”
BRAIN: “Systems check”
ME: “You alright?”
WOMAN: “Uh….Yeah”
BRAIN: “No system damage”
ME: “Alright, lets try this again”

—five minutes later….computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: “Alright, back on track”

COMPUTER: “Target in sight, hold position”

BRAIN: “C’mon…….C’mon”

BRAIN: “Hold it……Hold it…..”
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t, not yet!”

BRAIN: “Just a little longer”
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: “F*CK! I’m not going to make it”
BRAIN: “Pull out and prepare for manual override”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD
BRAIN: “Pull out, pull out”
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: “NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!”
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED….TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
COMPUTER: GET READY FOR MISSILE LAUNCH
BRAIN: “Must….hold….on”
BRAIN: “can’t…..hold it”
COMPUTER: 2 SECONDS REMAINING!!
BRAIN: “Its out of my control, its in God’s hands now”
COMPUTER: “PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING”

COMPUTER: “AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING”

WOMAN: “Honey, are you alright?”
ME: Yeah…..my head hurts….”
WOMAN: “Sorry” (touching my head)
ME: No, the other head, but dont touch it!”
WOMAN: “What?”
ME: Nothing”
ME: Did you cum”
WOMAN: “What, you didn’t notice”
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice”
WOMAN: “You’re so weird”
ME: You should try being the pilot next time”
WOMAN: “Get off me, I need to pee”

Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he’s feeling”
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.

Somali tycoons in Kenya are uncountable... As a matter of fact, apart from the exotic populations of Europeans and Indians, and the ruling Kikuyu ethnic group, no other tribal grouping has as much wealth and as many tycoons as the Somalis... but none of our tycoons beats a certain Sheikh Burhan. A few might match his wealth but no Somali is as influential in the Kenyan political scene...yet he is not a politician. These guy is a case study in Somali ingenuity and if there is such a thing as The Somali Dream he has lived it. He rose from herding camels to a life of opulence. He is not educated but i hear he can speak english these days. I have never met him but i used to admire him, until Thursday the 15th of March.

It seems one good Kenyan in the Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission (of which i have a lot of complains against) smelt something rotten in these tycoons vast real estate empire. When the good sheikh found out there was a 'dog' from Kacc sniffing around, he decided to do what most Kenyans do when confronted with these hungry dogs from Kacc... give it something to sink its canines onto. He proceeded to make an appointment with the investigator in a public hotel and gave out a bribe of Kshs 1 million. Now, in a country where more than half of us live on less than a dollar a day, you surely can understand when i say A million Kenyan shillings is a lot of money.

There was only one problem that these self-made billionaire did not anticipate...that he was not dealing with an ordinary dog, he wasnt dealing with an ordinary Kenyan police officer...In short, our tycoon was set up. He was captured on press video giving out the bribe. Now we get to the most amazing part of my news story.

Only two out of four present TV stations showed the clip at 7 in the evening and surprisingly none showed it at prime Kenyan news time...at 9 pm. He bought the Kenyan media, dear bloggers. Still, he was taken to court where nearly all the Kenyan Somali MPs and 3 other cabinet ministers attended. The court room was packed by Somalis and all business came to a standstill. The packing space at Makadara law courts was full and so the adjacent Jogoo road was turned into one. He was granted a bond of 15 million and a surety of similar amount and the case was postponed to September...I did not get an opportunity to interview him since he was driven off in an entourage of cabinet ministers. Despite all that, the media still gave it a blackout and that is the sad story of the Kenyan media scene.

The discovery in a printing press in Nairobi of counterfeit somali shillings worth 6 million KSHs made me wonder who makes the somalia currency...and how the old money is replaced...or are they still using the money that was in circulation 15 years ago? Wikipedia tells me the situation of the somali currency is unknown and it is unclear whether the Central Bank of Somalia is still working...which leaves more questions than answers. Does anyone out there know the situation of our currency?

Internship is only two days old and it has already thrown some problems my way, the biggest is i dont know how to tie a necktie. The only other time i wore a tie was in high school since it was part of the school uniform. Back then it wasnt a problem since hoyo would just tie it at the start of the term and i would use it for the next three months. There was no need to wash it since we were in a boys boarding school.

As if choosing the tie to wear wasnt difficult enough, i had to wake up my cousin to tie it on my 1st day. After making a fuss of the fact that i had woken him so early in the morning (It was already past seven), he made it in a funny way and noticing that i didnt fancy it that way, he called it the "british style" of tying, clearly using my ignorance to justify himself. Being my 1st day, i wasnt prepared to take risks with my image (I had read somewhere that 1st impressions were very important in shaping peoples opinion towards you), so i called a friend and went to his office who did it for me.

At office, my supervisor decided to give me a tour of the office against my will, starting with our department of which he is the head to all the other departments. He is a nice guy, my supervisor...sadly, so far that is about the best thing i can say about that company...on 1st impressions.

Back to the tie, i googled it. I learned that there were so many ways to tie a necktie...but there is nothing called "the british style" as my cuzo would have me believe. The problem is on the next day, i still couldnt do it. It was the same friend, laughing his ass off, who did it for me. Now i have printed the instructions and have been practising these weekend. Hopefully, by tomorrow, i'll have the finished article.

The following news items may pass off as a joke in any other place but sadly, in Pakistan, they are an every day occurrence...

Pakistani man sells wife's kidney to buy tractor

KARACHI (Reuters) - Pakistani police have arrested two men after a village woman complained that her husband and relatives had sold one of her kidneys in order to buy a tractor, police said on Tuesday.

Although her kidney had been removed 18 months earlier, the woman, named Safia, only learnt it was missing after seeking treatment for a urinary tract problem in January.

"She has said that she was three months pregnant when her husband, Shakeel Ahmed beat her and then took her to the hospital for treatment," said Mohammad Akram, duty officer at Noushera Jadeed police station in Punjab province.

"But at the hospital her husband, in connivance with three other people, sold her kidney to buy the tractor," he said.

More...

Girl lost in poker game pleads for help

HYDERABAD (Reuters) - A teenage girl in southern Pakistan, whose late father lost her in a poker game when she was 2 years old, has asked authorities to save her from being handed over to a middle-aged relative.

Rasheeda, 17, said she has filed applications with the police and a local councillor asking them to prevent Lal Haider, 45, from taking her to his home.

Her mother, Nooran said her husband racked up a debt of 10,000 rupees ($151) to Haider playing cards.

"My husband didn't have money to pay, and instead he told Lal Haider that he could take Rasheeda when she grows up," she said. Find out more...

Weep for the pakistani woman, wherever you are...

The world isnt all gloom though, at least not for me...I have just been informed my small sis got an A in her KCSE exams...perharps dad might now get a Doctor in the family since she fancies medicine. And am starting my internship tomorrow.

For all the criticisms of polygamy i could come up with, the cowives fighting in public was not one of them...not untill last sunday. The 1st wife of a kenyan somali member of parliament is recuperating in Nairobi hospital after a very public beating. The MP in question is Mandera east MP, Hon Shaaban Ali Isaak who doubles as the assistant minister of one of the many nondescript ministries that is a reserve for somali MPs in Kenya. This is not the 1st time his two wives are fighting in public.

The 1st time was more dramatic, very petty, funnier, fairer and less severe. Dramatic because they fought in a mosque, petty because they fought over nothing. The truth is they fought over the husband, but their reason for sparking that war was basic kindergarten stuff.
1st wife: why are you looking at me
2nd wife: How did you know i was looking at you, whore...
A slap followed that, then a full blown fight inside a mosque... in the end the 1st wife's lip was not pleasing to kiss after a good bite from the cowife. The MP wanted to divorce his 1st wife after that incident but his relatives oppossed the move. He relented...he shouldnt have, if only to spare her from what was coming.

That was at the end of last year. Not two months later, they were at it again. This time, the 2nd wife got much cleverer and the result, two surgeries in two days for her competitor. They met in a wedding in KICC's tintin restaurant. The 1st wife was the organiser. Naturally, the cowife wasnt invited but she made a showing, not alone but with her crew.

At about midnight, when the somali mommas were busy shaking their things, someone told the 1st wife that she is needed outside. People heard arguments, then screams, as other people rushed out, the the 1st wife and her crew jumped into her car and speeded off. Apparently, the woman was assaulted with broken soda bottles. Police locked everybody into the hotel as they sought an explanation...

That is when a lady whom i had dropped off and promised to pick her up called me. I drove there from Easich only to find the place full of police...fortunately for everybody else, the wife of another political heavyweight, Wajir West Mp Hon Mohamed Abdi (who is also low profile cabinet minister), was in attendance. She explained the situation and everyone was left off.

It was very embarassing for the MP the 1st time...these beats the it. Can it get more embarassing than these? I wouldnt bet against it.

Awesome, invincible, graceful, legend, genius, flawless, immaculate.... the superlatives and synonyms run out when describing Roger Federer, the finest export from swirtzerland. This guy just took the Australian Open without dropping a set (and without playing his best tennis), the 1st person to do that for over 2 decades i am told. I was attracted to Tenis by the gorgeous women on court, but these days, if i have the time, i dont miss Roger Federer playing. The guy is just a delight to watch.

A genius like him arrives once in a generation but rather than just watch and be grateful enough to witness a master at work, i always wish he doesnt win, but i want him to make all the way to the final, then lose. I have always hated hegemonys and that is what Federer has created in Tennis, an aura of invincibility surrounds him and most of his opponents are already beaten when they step on court, unless the surface is clay and the opponent is the brute Nadal. In the end, unless its the French Open, we witness practice sessions for Roger Federer as he beats yet another opponent who would have been great were Federer not born...and Andy Roddick comes to mind. I felt sorry for these guy after his thrashing in the semi. These is how he described how it feels to receive yet another hiding at the hands of the master, "It was frustrating. It was miserable. It sucked. It was terrible." At only 25, the word Great and the greatest have already been used to describe him many times. Even if, as i wish, he doesnt win the French Open come May, Federer is already guaranteed a place in the tennis, no, the sports hall of fame.

On another note, these teenager Nicole Vaidisova might just be the one to give our fav teen, Maria sharapova some competition, off the court that is. She just might be the one to take away some attention from Maria, who has dominated us, adoring fans, since the tennis demise of Kounikova.

At least not so soon. Obviously when the south African high court made the momentously stupid decision to allow gay marriages on African soil, it only was a matter of time before the other African fags started demanding 'their rights' too. It just never occurred to me that it would happen in Kenya so soon. These retarded sub-humans called a press conference under the umbrella of the gay and lesbian association of Kenya demanding for what they called 'their rights'. I am just wishing i was the president for a day...so that i could teach these people a lesson. Those people were just so revolting and disgusting from the TV, i dont know what my reaction can be if, God forbid, i meet a gay person...i can maybe tolerate a lesbian, make fun of them(like pay them to do their stuff while i watch) but a gay man...these are the people who should be wiped off the earth.