Simply Me

Almost 2 weeks ago, the highly ineffective Kenyan police force was shouting at the top of their voices, telling the world and anybody who cared to listen that they had "a high value catch". This high value catch was Abdulmalik Mohamed, a man whose friends describe him as a "humble and kind madrassa teacher who was true to his religion". Mr Mohamed, 37,is claimed to have planned the November 2002 attack in Kikambala, Mombasa, that saw the hotel burnt resulting in about 11 deaths and a missile aimed at an aircraft leaving Mombasa for Tel Aviv miss its target.

The arrest came at a time when Nairobi was in an insecurity wave with multiple murders and robberies being reported each day, therefore, the massive PR campaign by the Police at the arrest of a 'terror mastermind' was understandable...what is not is why the police dont have him right now. He has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he will be detained without trial and if he gets a trial, it will be by a military tribunal.

What makes this case special is that Abdulmalik Mohamed is a Kenyan citizen by birth, is accused of crimes committed in Kenya and yet he is freely given out by the Kenyan authorities to a foreign nation where there are no assurances that he will be tried. All that and the fact that Kenya has no extradition treaty with the US and there is no prima facie case against Mr Mohamed to warrant extradition. Abdulmalik Mohamed wasn't even given the chance to challenge that decision in a court of law.

It is painfully enough that a person is taken from his home to be detained in a foreign land without trial but what is more shameful and embarrassing is that in a country with a democratically elected government and with a rule of law, we can just surrender our sovereignty to a foreign power for nothing.

In an audacious bid to make you smile on a monday and to make the ladies appreciate just how hard a work we do, i am sharing an email that i received sometime back and which i strongly relate to that explains why guys are quiet in bed...

Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally be the guy’s job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I’ve got to offer. Again, I can’t speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.

Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding vagina.

Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:

“Alright, time for some action”
“I hope I don’t f*ck up this time”
“Is that the right hole?”
“Oh wait, there it is”
“All right, lets start out slow”

It isn’t long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.

BRAIN: “Damn, she just moved.”
BRAIN: “Did I do something right, or did I hurt her”

BRAIN: “She’s making noises!”
BRAIN: “Pain noises or pleasure noises?”
BRAIN: “Let me try stepping up the pace a little”

BRAIN: "More noises, I'm pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"

BRAIN: “Damn, what was I doing before?”
BRAIN: “F*ck it, lets try a different position”
WOMAN: “OUCH!”
BRAIN: “Yeah….that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: “What are you doing?”
BRAIN: “Mayday! Mayday!”
BRAIN: “Decrease Velocity!”
BRAIN: “Open flaps”
BRAIN: “Landing gear engaged”
BRAIN: “Disengage primary thrusters”
BRAIN: “Systems check”
ME: “You alright?”
WOMAN: “Uh….Yeah”
BRAIN: “No system damage”
ME: “Alright, lets try this again”

—five minutes later….computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: “Alright, back on track”

COMPUTER: “Target in sight, hold position”

BRAIN: “C’mon…….C’mon”

BRAIN: “Hold it……Hold it…..”
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: “Oh sh*t, not yet!”

BRAIN: “Just a little longer”
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: “F*CK! I’m not going to make it”
BRAIN: “Pull out and prepare for manual override”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD
BRAIN: “Pull out, pull out”
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: “NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!”
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED….TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
COMPUTER: GET READY FOR MISSILE LAUNCH
BRAIN: “Must….hold….on”
BRAIN: “can’t…..hold it”
COMPUTER: 2 SECONDS REMAINING!!
BRAIN: “Its out of my control, its in God’s hands now”
COMPUTER: “PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING”

COMPUTER: “AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING”

WOMAN: “Honey, are you alright?”
ME: Yeah…..my head hurts….”
WOMAN: “Sorry” (touching my head)
ME: No, the other head, but dont touch it!”
WOMAN: “What?”
ME: Nothing”
ME: Did you cum”
WOMAN: “What, you didn’t notice”
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice”
WOMAN: “You’re so weird”
ME: You should try being the pilot next time”
WOMAN: “Get off me, I need to pee”

Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he’s feeling”
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.

Somali tycoons in Kenya are uncountable... As a matter of fact, apart from the exotic populations of Europeans and Indians, and the ruling Kikuyu ethnic group, no other tribal grouping has as much wealth and as many tycoons as the Somalis... but none of our tycoons beats a certain Sheikh Burhan. A few might match his wealth but no Somali is as influential in the Kenyan political scene...yet he is not a politician. These guy is a case study in Somali ingenuity and if there is such a thing as The Somali Dream he has lived it. He rose from herding camels to a life of opulence. He is not educated but i hear he can speak english these days. I have never met him but i used to admire him, until Thursday the 15th of March.

It seems one good Kenyan in the Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission (of which i have a lot of complains against) smelt something rotten in these tycoons vast real estate empire. When the good sheikh found out there was a 'dog' from Kacc sniffing around, he decided to do what most Kenyans do when confronted with these hungry dogs from Kacc... give it something to sink its canines onto. He proceeded to make an appointment with the investigator in a public hotel and gave out a bribe of Kshs 1 million. Now, in a country where more than half of us live on less than a dollar a day, you surely can understand when i say A million Kenyan shillings is a lot of money.

There was only one problem that these self-made billionaire did not anticipate...that he was not dealing with an ordinary dog, he wasnt dealing with an ordinary Kenyan police officer...In short, our tycoon was set up. He was captured on press video giving out the bribe. Now we get to the most amazing part of my news story.

Only two out of four present TV stations showed the clip at 7 in the evening and surprisingly none showed it at prime Kenyan news time...at 9 pm. He bought the Kenyan media, dear bloggers. Still, he was taken to court where nearly all the Kenyan Somali MPs and 3 other cabinet ministers attended. The court room was packed by Somalis and all business came to a standstill. The packing space at Makadara law courts was full and so the adjacent Jogoo road was turned into one. He was granted a bond of 15 million and a surety of similar amount and the case was postponed to September...I did not get an opportunity to interview him since he was driven off in an entourage of cabinet ministers. Despite all that, the media still gave it a blackout and that is the sad story of the Kenyan media scene.

The discovery in a printing press in Nairobi of counterfeit somali shillings worth 6 million KSHs made me wonder who makes the somalia currency...and how the old money is replaced...or are they still using the money that was in circulation 15 years ago? Wikipedia tells me the situation of the somali currency is unknown and it is unclear whether the Central Bank of Somalia is still working...which leaves more questions than answers. Does anyone out there know the situation of our currency?

Internship is only two days old and it has already thrown some problems my way, the biggest is i dont know how to tie a necktie. The only other time i wore a tie was in high school since it was part of the school uniform. Back then it wasnt a problem since hoyo would just tie it at the start of the term and i would use it for the next three months. There was no need to wash it since we were in a boys boarding school.

As if choosing the tie to wear wasnt difficult enough, i had to wake up my cousin to tie it on my 1st day. After making a fuss of the fact that i had woken him so early in the morning (It was already past seven), he made it in a funny way and noticing that i didnt fancy it that way, he called it the "british style" of tying, clearly using my ignorance to justify himself. Being my 1st day, i wasnt prepared to take risks with my image (I had read somewhere that 1st impressions were very important in shaping peoples opinion towards you), so i called a friend and went to his office who did it for me.

At office, my supervisor decided to give me a tour of the office against my will, starting with our department of which he is the head to all the other departments. He is a nice guy, my supervisor...sadly, so far that is about the best thing i can say about that company...on 1st impressions.

Back to the tie, i googled it. I learned that there were so many ways to tie a necktie...but there is nothing called "the british style" as my cuzo would have me believe. The problem is on the next day, i still couldnt do it. It was the same friend, laughing his ass off, who did it for me. Now i have printed the instructions and have been practising these weekend. Hopefully, by tomorrow, i'll have the finished article.